Men's Rules

I use ot send lots of these around... its been a while....

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Finally, the guys' side of the story.
We always hear "the rules" From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!

Please note.. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

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1. Men are NOT mind readers.

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1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

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1. Crying is blackmail.

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1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

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1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

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1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

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1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

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1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

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1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

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1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

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1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

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1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

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1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

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1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

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1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

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1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

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1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

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1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

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1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

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1. You have enough clothes.

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1. You have too many shoes.

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1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

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1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

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Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!

You know you're Australian when....

You know you're Australian when...

1. You're familiar with Neighbours, Home and Away, Playschool, A Country Practice, Norman Gunston, Barry Humphries, Blue Heelers, Ray Martin, Bert Newton, Lisa McCune, Jon Burgess, Number 96, Molly Meldrum, Kerry O'Brien, and of course, Kerry Packer and Rupert Murdoch.

2. You know that Burger King doesn't exist. It's Hungry Jacks.

3. You know that snow is a memorable and freakish occurrence. Sometimes it's even fake.

4. You know the difference between thongs and a G-banger

5. You know that "stubbies" are either short shorts or small beer bottles, a "gimp", "bogan" or "geezer" is a random idiot, someone in trouble is in "strife" and you're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something.

6. You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto etc.

5. You know that some ppl pronounce "Australia" like "Strayla" and that's ok.

6. You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere... no matter where you actually are.

7. You know that while we call our friends 'mates', we don't use terms like 'shiela' and 'shrimp on the barbie', contrary to popular belief.

8. You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer because it tastes like shit. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.

9. You know that if a man has sex with another man, he's a homosexual, and (until recently), a criminal in Tasmania

10. You resent people who succeed over others- everyone should do the same thing, so we all get a "fair go"; a kind of 'American-dream' in reverse. This is why we actively like not liking Americans.

11. You've seen Gallipoli, Crocodile Dundee, Young Einstein, Muriel's Wedding, The Castle, Beneath Clouds, Strictly Ballroom, 40,000 Horsemen, and maybe even Wolf Creek.

12. It makes you happy when someone in Hollywood is actually Australian... Mel Gibson, Nicole Kidman, Russle Crowe, Cate Blanchett, Baz Luhrman, Elle MacPherson, Olivia Newton-John, Midnight Oil, ACDC, INXS, Greg Norman, Cathy Freeman, Dawn Fraser, Pat Rafter, Ian Thorpe...

13. One word: Skippy.

14. You know that Sydney 2000 was one of our proudest moments in history. We just fucking rock.

15. You know that you are not going to die of cholera or other Third World diseases (remote Aboriginal communities are a different matter)

16. You know our country has never been conquered by a foreign nation (you don't count 1788).

17. We know that the Metric system will always be better than anything inches, feet, pounds and farenheit will ever offer

18. You drive on the left-hand side of the road.

19. If you're a pedestrian and cars are stopped at a red light, you will fearlessly cross the street in front of them. 'Hit and runs' just aren't cricket. Because aussies stick together.

20. You think of Australia as being somewhat out of place within the Asia-Pacific region; surrounded by unstable ex-colonial nations who regard you as racist, imperialist, and unfairly wealthy.

21. You know that New Zealanders are basically our naive country cousins, who have a weird fush-and-chups accent, and for some bizzare reason, think that they invented pavlova. Bastards. They are to be pitied and laughed at. They have no hope of gaining the upper hand in the endless sporting rivalry between our two nations.

22. You know that you can't eat Fantales alone... Otherwise who will you play the 'Who am I...' game with when you're reading the wrapper?

23. You know that Sydney should be the capital because Canberra is a hole.

24. You know that Americans think we're all Steve Irwin clones. And crickey, they couldn't be more wrong.

25. You know that Lawyers wear wigs and gowns. And we make it look good.

26. You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.

27. You feel obliged to spread salty black stuff that looks like congealed motor oil on bread... and actually grow to like it. You've also squeeze Vegemite through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.

28. You believe that democracy means the freedom to draw caricatures of good ol' Johnny Howard

29. You think footballers dressing up in drag on TV is funny (but your son being gay isn't).

30. You have the ability to compress several words into one - ie 'g'day' and 'd'reckn?'. This allows more space for profanities.

31. You've ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet - to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you REALLY mean it.

32. You know that the barbeque is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the salad.

33. The private lives of footy and cricket players become more important than local and national news stories.

34. You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.

35. You know what fairy bread tastes like, and you can't imagine your childhood without it.

36. You know the first verse to the national anthem, but still don't know what "girt" means. And you're ok with that.

37. You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a tim tam.

38. You know that backyard cricket is a nice way to bond with family and the rubbish bin. And the 'one bounce, one hand' rule always applies.

39. You know that we are home to the just about all of the world's deadliest of animals. That's why if anybody messes with us we'll get some funnel webs on their asses.

40. You see people walking bare-foot on the sidewalk and don't scorn.... because you're doing it too.

41. You know what trop-fest is and it makes you happy.

42. Sausage rolls and meat pies. End of story.

43. You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok and have offered advice that included the words, "she'll be right, mate".

44. You have a story that somehow involves an excessive consumption of goon... but you can't remember.

45. You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.

46. You've ordered a steak the size as your head and only paid $5 at your local RSL

47. You know that Italy should never have been granted that fateful kick in the 2006 Soccer World Cup.

48. You know how to slip, slop, slap like it's nobody's business.

49. You've heard the Prime Minister dismiss anyone who disagrees with him simply as 'un-Australian', and that's enough to make us sit down and shut up.

50. You know that the value of a public holiday is measured in terms of alchohol. God bless the queen and her 4-day birthday.

Slow Drivers

First week of driving in "traffic" - at 630am, the road to the City of Melbourne is already filled with cars. I hate to even think of what 7-8am is like.

Found myself getting frustrated with people who were obviously under the speed limit - "Dont they read the signs?" "Its dangerous driving!". So thought I'd see wat the web said about it....

An American magazine reported this

Too slow in High speed lane by Cortney Caldwell (Road and travel magazine)

We all know that speeding is against the law. Why? Because most of us aren't trained or experienced in handling a vehicle at a high rate of speed... That said, isn't it also dangerous to drive too slowly in the high-speed lane? The answer is yes. So why then do so many people do it?

... What is their problem? Don't they understand the basic concept of fast and slow? And does it frustrate as many other drivers as it does me?

... When drivers drive too slow ..many dangerous situations can occur. First, it creates a long line of frustrated drivers behind the slow poke. Most wait patiently in hopes the slow guy pulls over, but others will begin to tailgate.

..Some drivers get so frustrated, they pull out of the lane in a fit of anger, pass on the right to catch up to the culprit just so they can send a message with a digit, or mouth some idiotic phrase that the guilty driver can't hear anyway.

...If you're a frustrated driver who finds himself behind a slow-goer, flash your high beams a few times. Most people will respond to this. Let's face it, we've all been there when we're plodding along unaware that we've slowed down.

...For you faster drivers who want someone to move over, give him or her a gentle nudge with the flash of your headlights a few times, or a little beep-beep from your horn. Give them a chance to respond and react. And when they do, send a wave of appreciation, not the international digit of disapproval.

..So the last question remains. What do you do if you flash your lights for two miles and the slow poke still won't move? That, my friends, is your decision and yours alone. Just make sure that whatever you do, it doesn't endanger your life or those around you on the freeway, nor escalate the anger further.

In Australia Dangers of life in the slow lane By A Smith, Feb 28, 2005 Sydney Morning Herald

Stuck behind a dawdler on a Sunday afternoon? Don't blame the greying hair behind the wheel. It may be the undersized road signs and poorly lit streets slowing the driver down.

...After recording the speeds and drivers of 6480 cars in Perth and surveying 240 licence holders, a team from Murdoch and Monash universities has found that speeding is no longer the only danger on the roads. "Slow driving, though widely once believed to be the safest form of driving, is, however, not without risk," says the team's study, published in the journal Ergonomics. The slowest drivers were the elderly, the study finding that people over 55 drove on average almost seven kilometres under the speed limit....

"When asked about what causes people to drive slowly, by far the most popular factors were over-caution and lack of confidence," the study says. The study says that international research suggests that drivers over 65 struggle to drive and navigate at the same time.

"Large-scale media campaigns exhorting drivers to speed up is not an option that should be considered," the study says. Instead, it suggests, governments may need to redesign roads, make traffic signs larger, improve street lighting and toughen laws on slow driving on freeways.

Road rage: Out of control, How to avoid coming to blows Denise Cullen, The Age, 23/11/06

* Don't vent with small-scale obscene gestures such as swearing, which could increase the risk of retaliation.

* Practise courteous driving by such actions as allowing cars to pass even if they're speeding, and using some form of signal as an apology for a driving mistake.

* Don't react (by accelerating, braking or swerving suddenly) if being hassled by another driver.

* Find out how to get to your destination ahead of time, and avoid peak traffic periods.

* Make sure your windshield is clean - peering through a dirty windshield is a common source of stress and fatigue when driving.

* Don't grip the steering wheel too hard. This tenses arm and neck muscles, leading to fatigue symptoms such as headaches.

* Improve the driving environment by listening to soothing music (rather than anger-inducing talkback radio), and adjust climate controls to a comfortable level.

* Take a deep breath and focus your concentration on driving, pushing aside other issues before you get into the car.

* Vary your schedule to avoid the worst times for traffic congestion, and allow plenty of time for the journey.

Adapted from Inquiry into Violence Associated with Motor Vehicle Use - Final Report

Easier said than done...

The Forbes Fictional 15

Edited by Michael Noer and David M. Ewalt 11.20.06, 2:00 PM ET (link)

The rich may be different than you and me--but not nearly as different as the characters that comprise the Forbes Fictional 15, our annual listing of fiction's very wealthiest. This year's selection includes a duck, a wizard, a Nigerian prince and even a plumber. Aggregate (fictional) net worth? $111 billion.

The biggest change to this year's list comes at the very top. For the first time in the Fictional 15's history, Santa Claus has been unseated from the number-one spot, replaced by defense contractor Oliver ''Daddy'' Warbucks.

We still estimate Claus' net worth as infinite, but we excluded him from this year's rankings after being bombarded by letters from outraged children insisting that Claus is "real." We don't claim to have settled the ongoing controversy concerning Claus' existence, but after taking into account the physical evidence--toys delivered, milk and cookies devoured--we felt it was safer to remove him from consideration.

In the absence of the tubby toy titan, Oliver Warbucks now reigns as the world's richest fictional character. The ex-U.S. Army general turned industrialist saw his net worth surge to $36.2 billion, thanks to the ongoing conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan and because of a contract to provide oil-well maintenance in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

Other characters were dropped for more prosaic reasons. Plummeting demand for fur coats hit puppy-hating Cruella De Vil especially hard, while playboy billionaire Arthur Bach died from liver failure. Ebenezer Scrooge gave the bulk of his $1.7 billion fortune to the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. And Superman nemesis Lex Luthor is struggling to rebuild his fortune after blowing billions on his latest (futile) attempt to take over the world.

With a net worth of $7.1 billion, Atlantic City real-estate tycoon Mr. Monopoly is the richest newcomer. Also making his Fictional 15 debut: spam entrepreneur Prince Abakaliki of Nigeria. Abakaliki is notable for being the only fictional character on our list who regularly e-mails real people, usually begging for assistance in recovering large sums of money. We estimate Abakaliki to be worth more than $2.8 billion.

Characters involved in the defense industries, or whose fortune is determined by the price of gold, have done particularly well over the past 12 months. Fictional 15 newcomer Tony Stark (net worth: $3 billion) has profited immensely from his firm's invention of indestructible alloys and so-called "destructor rays." And despite a failed scheme to find "the gold at the end of the rainbow," the planet's richest poultry, Scrooge McDuck, saw his fortune soar to an estimated $10.9 billion on rising gold prices.

Other newcomers include Mario, the videogame plumber who built a $1 billion fortune after decades of collecting gold coins, and billionaire narcocapitalist Tony Montana, aka Scarface.

The wheel of fortune has a tendency to turn especially fast for the members of the Fictional 15, and this year proved no exception. Longtime member C. Montgomery Burns doubled his fortune to $16.8 billion in just 12 months, thanks in large part to a "technology exchange" deal with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il.

Others have been less fortunate. Willy Wonka ran afoul of British occupational safety authorities with his eccentric "golden ticket" method of CEO succession planning. Richie Rich blew more than $6 billion over the last year building solid-gold schoolhouses in Indonesia. And Thurston Howell III's fortune has taken a hit after a mysterious whistleblower, known only as "Gilligan," began cooperating with the New York State attorney general.

A note on methodology: Net worth estimates are based, when possible, on known commodity and share price movements. All prices as of market close, Nov. 17, 2006. In the case of privately held fictional concerns, we sought to identify comparable fictional public companies. Final net worths were calculated using a tiny grain of common sense and a large dose of salt.

FINAL LISTING

Oliver ''Daddy'' Warbucks
C. Montgomery Burns
Scrooge McDuck
Richie Rich
Jed Clampett
Mr. Monopoly
Bruce Wayne
Tony Stark
Prince Abakaliki of Nigeria
Thurston Howell III
Willy Wonka
Lucius Malfoy
Tony Montana
Lara Croft
Mario

THE DROP OFFS

Arthur Bach
Santa Claus
Lex Luthor
Ebenezer Scrooge
Cruella De Vil

Greed Personified

Was watching the news and saw people more than willing to go on camera and say they are picking up washed up goods, including expensive motorbikes, electrical goods and even nappies, from the recent shipwreck in UK.

So, in essence, they are saying "I'm taking things that don't belong to me and I'm proud of it".

How disgusting! Looting and stealing other people's goods (that they have sadly lost in an accident) should not be something we should be proud of.

They should be out there helping with the salvage and the wildlife affected by the oil slick.

Here's the newspaper article: Tuesday January 23, 05:51 AM

Scavengers grab cargo from stricken ship

Scores of people have flocked to the site of a shipwreck on the southern English coast to scavenge among beached containers for cargo including a BMW motorcycle, shoes and wine, police say.

As the coastguard fought to contain the stricken ship's oil, locals scoured a debris-strewn beach for goods washed up from the MSC Napoli.

The container ship was abandoned by its crew after being holed during storms last Thursday. It was deliberately run aground to stop it from sinking.

More than 200 people roamed the beach, littered with wooden barrels and large metal containers filled with everything from car parts to nappies.

There was at least one blue BMW motorcycle, still in its cardboard wrapping, worth some 15,000 pounds ($A37,597).

Police said they wouldn't stop people from taking goods from Branscombe Beach in Devon. Officers handed out leaflets explaining that they must report anything they find to the authorities.

"We're not stopping people because we've got no powers to do so," a police spokesman said.

"The leaflets explain their responsibilities."

Under the Merchant Shipping Act, salvage remains the property of the original owner. Anyone who finds washed up goods must contact a government official, called the receiver of the wreck, within 28 days.

The Maritime and Coastguard Agency said people could be charged with theft if they failed to report the salvage they take from the beach.

"It belongs to somebody," a spokesman said.

"They have a legal obligation to report their finds."

People are allowed to store the salvage at home while the owner decides what to do with the salvaged goods.

Coastguards said some of the containers on board the ship held potentially dangerous materials.

The ship's owners have appointed a private security company to guard the beached containers, the coastguard said.

The Napoli is listing at between 18 and 25 degrees and has already lost waste oil and more than 200 of its 2,400 containers into the sea.

"A sheen of oil has been sighted coming from the MSC Napoli which is suspected to come from waste oils in the flooded engine spaces," the Coastguard said in a statement.

About 200 tonnes of oil are thought to have leaked from the ship. The sheen has spread to about 8 km but is "breaking up and dissipating" and did not pose a major environmental threat, it said.

Coastguards said salvage teams hoped to be able to start pumping out the remaining 3,000 tonnes of fuel oil in the ship's tanks on Monday, but experts warned this may take several days.

"We have two vessels on charter now to receive the oil, and pumping should start today," said Robin Middleton, the government's representative for maritime salvage.

"But this is a very viscous product," he told BBC Radio.

"It's almost like a sludge, so what they have to do is heat it and remove it slowly. It could probably take the best part of a week."

The British-flagged Napoli, built in 1991, was bound from Belgium to Portugal when it was holed. Its 26 crew took to a lifeboat and were winched to safety by a helicopter.

In 2001, the same ship, then named the Normandie, ran onto a coral reef in the Strait of Malacca between Malaysia and Sumatra, heavily loaded and at full speed.

It remained stuck for several weeks before being towed away for repairs that included welding more than 3,000 tonnes of metal onto the hull.

Australia Day Party - What the?

Was quietly watching "So you think you can dance" and saw this commercial by some guy called Sam Kekovich from "Australia Day Party".

All that went through my mind was "What the?????"
Then whilst channel surfing , found that the other 2 major channels ALSO had the same commercial on at the same time!

So checked out the site....

According to his blog:

"If my Address to the Nation wasn't the most exciting three minutes you've ever spent with your clothes on, there's something wrong with you. Modesty would normally preclude me from singing my own praises, but in this instance, I'm prepared to make an exception: that was bloody fantastic.

There's nothing like watching a big, boofy Aussie bloke dishing it out to the Yanks, the Poms, the pollies, the terrorists, the tree huggers and the lentil-eaters ­ especially when that Aussie bloke is as handsome and eloquent as yours truly.

My brilliance was suitably complemented by the lamb sanger (white bread of course) and cold beer I enjoyed while watching the address. I tell you what,that combination is a stroke of culinary genius. I'm just hoping that the campaign helps stick it up people like Paris Hilton, who are perpetrating acts of unAustralianism. Fancy using a blonde Yank to front an Aussie beer. And I wouldn't mind if it gave those over-superannuated mud-slingers down in Canberra a bit of a shake up as well.

You know it makes sense. I'm Sam Kekovich."

Still going "What the????"
Its kinda like a joke, but not very funny and kinda weird.
Check it out for yourself and tell me what you think!

The Ice-Man Cometh

Style.com item of the week

Had enough of the holidays—the blinking lights, the canned music, the relentless mirth? We can't really blame you, but here's a non-hokey way to play along: Marcel Dzama's melting-snowman canisters.

The porcelain cookie jars, which were inspired not by Frosty's demise but by the Canadian artist's move from Winnipeg to the comparatively balmy (especially this year) New York City, will add a bit of off-kilter seasonal cheer to your countertop. Sure beats a fruitcake.

Marcel Dzama melting-snowman porcelain canisters, $125 for a set of four, available at Velocity Art and Design, Seattle, (866) 781-9494 and www.velocityartanddesign.com.